What brought you to this place?
It may or may not be the first question that I, as your therapist, will ask you. But it is an essential question that you must ask yourself. What brought you to the point where you’re finally ready to take action? What broke through the denial?
Whether you are ready to schedule that first appointment, whether you are on the brink of calling me right now, or whether you are just looking at this page, ask yourself: What was the catalyst?
Was it wasting up all the money you’ve saved on pornography or internet chat rooms? Was it an ultimatum from your partner? Or was it the fear that you might lose your children’s respect? My goal is not to shame you, but to help you see that the answer to that fundamental question can be a powerful tool for change.
Shifting from Weakness to Empowerment
What brought you to this place? Whatever your answer is—hold on to it. In this critical moment, your answer is both empowering and encouraging.
When you are in a moment of weakness and you want to quit, or when you are trying to convince yourself to continue working on your recovery, remember what brought you here.
Sobriety is not just about giving up something; it is about gaining something much larger. Finding the true answer to your “why” gives you the courage and determination to stay on the journey, even when the path toward recovery feels steep.
Understanding Intimacy Anorexia and Addiction
Sex and porn addiction is, at its core, an intimacy disorder. Perhaps in your childhood, your caregivers weren’t so adept at being there for you, or even worse, were abusive. As a result, you didn’t connect with them in a healthy way. Now, you struggle to form secure attachments with those that you love most.
A fear of intimacy permeates your life. In response, you may use sexual activity or pornography as a substitute for healthy relationships. Your “drug of choice” becomes a behavior running replacement.
As Robert Weiss, a leading sex addiction expert writes: “Sex addicts are looking for controllable sources of getting themselves hot emotionally.” When you use a behavior to regulate your feelings, you miss out on the transparency, risk, and vulnerability that are required to secure attachments in your relationships.
Taking the First Step Forward
What brought you to this place? Whatever your answer to that question may be, let it be the springboard to ignite your determination and move you forward. I encourage you to do whatever it takes to break the habit and build a healthy, vibrant life.
You can’t do everything at once, but you can take the first step. Give me a call today. I would be honored to walk with you as we examine that critical question and build a path forward together.
Tim Martin, PhD, CSAT, CPTT, CMAT is a psychotherapist specializing in sex addiction recovery, betrayal trauma, and couples healing after infidelity.
