Partners of Sex Addicts
You discovered your partner has been keeping secrets about sex. Now what?
Why am I feeling this way?
Partners often experience various emotions:
“I feel like I’m a crazy person.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“I feel like I’m floating through life, like I’m not even in my body.”
And they may say:
“I have to know everything that happened. Who is this person I’m with?”
“I am so hurt, I don’t want to know anything.”
“I don’t know what is real and what isn’t anymore.”
If you’ve experienced shock, intense anger, weeping, panic attacks, paranoia, and/or depression, unfortunately your symptoms are not unusual.
When you find out that everything you thought true and reliable is not true and reliable, it causes a shock to the system. In fact, the feelings that many partners experience are like the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that some soldiers experience as well as other traumatic experiences.
Is it my fault?
No.
Partners can be tempted to blame themselves, and some therapists blame the victim or label them as a “co-addict.” But not only did you not cause it, you can’t change or cure the addict.
As a partner, you can’t force the addict to work on his or her sobriety, but you can focus on your own self-care and boundaries. While it’s certainly not fair that you’re going through this, out of the pain and heartache can come your own victory.
Why do I feel like something or someone died?
When deeply wounded by a partner’s betrayal, many people experience the reactions of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle. These can occur in any order:
- Denial: “It will be fine, maybe I am crazy or making too much out of this.”
- Anger: “Why me, why us? How can he/she keep doing this to me!?”
- Bargaining: “I will do anything if he/she will only change and stop lying.”
- Depression: “I feel so betrayed. I don’t know where to turn. I have no hope.”
- Acceptance: “This is really happening; I’m not crazy, and it’s time for me to get help and healing.”
Is there hope for my marriage/partnership? Is separation or divorce inevitable?
Yes, there’s hope!
But the success of working through this issue depends on both you and your spouse/companion being willing to do some very challenging work. While it may be difficult, those who go through the therapeutic steps may find their relationship strengthened and, in some cases, find they are stronger than before.
The success of treatment often depends on the addict’s willingness to admit a problem with compulsive sexual behavior and to do whatever it takes to manage it.
And you will need to focus on the areas of healing, self-compassion, and setting boundaries. The shock and trauma can be lessened and managed with the right help.
Hope – let’s move toward finding hope again
I am experienced in working with both the sexually addicted client and the betrayed partner. I’m prepared to be that therapist in helping you move forward with confidence and clarity.
You’ve got nothing to lose by calling me at (919) 533-7907.