Was Hillary Clinton wrong for staying with her husband Bill after yet another affair—this time with a White House intern?
Personally, I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what she chose to do. But as a public figure, Mrs. Clinton was the object of much gossip. In past generations, there was pressure to stay in the marriage and work it out. Human behavior expert Esther Perel notes that the new shame has become staying with your partner when you have the option of leaving.
Family and friends may shame you for hanging in there, but their assessment of the situation may not include all the variables. Your calculations may also include considerations of children, finances, cherished memories, fear, and hope.
The Weight of Your Decision
My aim is not to convince you that you should stay or leave. You have to make the final determination. After all, you’re the one who has to live with the results of your decision.
And it can be a complicated decision. If you’re like most spouses, you may have received a staggered disclosure. You didn’t receive the data of the sexual acting out all at once, but rather through a haphazard confession.
You thought you knew everything and then found out there was more. And then more. Being hit by surprises can be traumatizing. You are left wondering, “Who is this person that I thought I knew? What else what will I find out next?”
Rebuilding a Foundation
I’m not saying it’s easy, but for those who choose to work through the aftermath, there is the possibility that the marriage can be not only saved, but taken to a better place never thought possible.
The old marriage is gone. But there is hope for a renewed connection based on new trust and respect. It will take determination and work—from the one who was betrayed, and yes, even more from the partner who broke the trust.
Why should the partner have to go to therapy and do all this work when it was the other person who brought the pain? But as a therapist, I help couples create a way forward that involves a commitment to open honesty, vulnerability, and making amends to the injured partner.
Find Support for Your Journey
I create a welcoming space to help you find your way back to a great relationship, or help you build a strong bond again.
If you are trying to navigate the painful aftermath of an affair, you don’t have to carry this burden alone. Reach out today to schedule a consultation, and let’s discuss how we can begin healing your relationship.
Tim Martin, PhD, CSAT, CPTT, CMAT is a psychotherapist specializing in sex addiction recovery, betrayal trauma, and couples healing after infidelity.
